I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
