I wannas sexs uuuuu
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
