I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
