She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
