Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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