ugly people sure do ruin things
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
