I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
