Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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