The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
