Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize