The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
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