i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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