I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
