So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
