Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
