I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
