I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
