I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
