my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
