did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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