So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
