The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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