Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
