I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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