I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
