foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
