I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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