Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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