Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
