I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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