can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
