sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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