i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
