I'm laying in your front yard are you home
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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