You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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