i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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