How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
