Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
