Nicole vs. Life
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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