Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
