Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
