Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
jump out the window naked night went bad
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