Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
