3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
