He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
