I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
