So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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