I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
