Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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