Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
