i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
